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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29678847">happy not knowing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/prophetick/pseuds/prophetick'>prophetick</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>carly rae jepson fics [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Miya Atsumu vs. Being Gay, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi (mentioned), Miya Osamu Being A Good Brother, Post-Time Skip, Recovering Heterosexual Miya Atsumu, Stream of Consciousness, i genuinely have no clue how to tag this, past Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou (mentioned)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:48:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,730</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29678847</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/prophetick/pseuds/prophetick</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>And that kind of thing is bound to mess with a guys head y'know? To suddenly learn that you weren’t in the clear for gay thoughts? That they could come up behind you and surprise you at any time? It’s not a healthy thing to learn at 23. And on top of that he’s too busy to be having gay thoughts- not that he does- but he has enough on his plate without the potential gay thoughts that could start at any second. </p><p>Like the sane person he is, like the self disciplined person he has worked so hard to become, he elects to ignore it until the next time he sees his brother. It’s not healthy to be losing this much sleep about something that can be easily clarified. He’s seeing Samu next weekend anyways, that’s almost too soon for something that’s not even that big of a deal in the first place.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Miya Atsumu &amp; Miya Osamu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>carly rae jepson fics [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2182806</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>happy not knowing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>let me know if there are any tags i should add<br/>title from "happy not knowing" by carly rae jepson ofc<br/>thank you for reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>i.<br/>
Atsumus life, contrary to popular belief, is a game of self control. Of course, people (Osamu, his old teammates, Sakusa) will tell you that this doesn’t mean he wins that specific game. But he sticks to plans, to routines, he practices, he works out on his days off, he eats right (most of the time). He likes to think that by the very nature of his job he has to be disciplined, his job dictates his schedule, his diet, hell even his sleep. But if he thinks about it, it’s not like he’d be doing anything else anyways. It’s always been volleyball, it will always be volleyball. He doesn’t have time for anything else, especially if it involves people who also don’t have time for anything except volleyball. </p><p>He’s classically trained (and self taught) in staying away from the dangerous thought processes that could ruin a practice, or a week, hell even his career. Being a high school athlete taught him enough about keeping your eyes to yourself and your mouth shut. He knows the rules of sports physicality like the back of his hand, the way it's okay to gawk at your teammates sometimes and not others, and he’s well practiced enough to know what those times are. Example one; if Sakusa is doing that crazy thing with his wrists, or some weird pretzel stretch, it’s okay to look so long as Atsumu makes sure he looks sufficiently disturbed. Example two; if he’s not playing, he has freedom to look for as long as he wants to at any of the attackers, so long as he uses his observations for setting.</p><p>He doesn’t spend a lot of time with these thoughts, no more than the average guy anyways. It’s not like he’s gay or something, he’s just a setter. It’s his job to keep track of his hitters, and that means looking at them okay? He’s allowed to do that, it’s literally required for his job. What did he even mean by ‘dangerous thought processes’ anyways? He’s not going to turn gay just by thinking about his teammates bodies. If that was how it worked he would already be gay. And it’s not like he has any problems with gay people, he has gay teammates, it doesn’t matter to him. It's just that- recently- he heard Shoyou say something about how twins are more likely to be gay if the other one is gay. And Atsumu is pretty sure (at least 70 percent) that Osamu and Suna actually dated in high school for real and not as a bit to mess with him. And that would mean that Samu is (at least a little bit) gay, or something. </p><p>And that kind of thing is bound to mess with a guys head y'know? To suddenly learn that you weren’t in the clear for gay thoughts? That they could come up behind you and surprise you at any time? It’s not a healthy thing to learn at 23. And on top of that he’s too busy to be having gay thoughts- not that he does- but he has enough on his plate without the potential gay thoughts that could start at any second. </p><p>Like the sane person he is, like the self disciplined person he has worked so hard to become, he elects to ignore it until the next time he sees his brother. It’s not healthy to be losing this much sleep about something that can be easily clarified. He’s seeing Samu next weekend anyways, that’s almost too soon for something that’s not even that big of a deal in the first place. It’ll be fine, it’s not like he’s going to let this affect his playing. It’s volleyball, he loves volleyball, it’s always been volleyball.</p><p> </p><p>ii.<br/>
Okay- so in Atsumu’s defense he was having an off day anyways. It had absolutely nothing to do with gay thoughts (because he’s not having any) that he messed up a few tosses during practice. It wasn’t even that bad. Sakusa’s just petty and Shoyou is a ball hog, these things have been true since before either of them joined the team, and it’s hardly Atsumu’s fault if he can’t keep up with them all day everyday (like anyone- including him- believes that). He only gets yelled at a little bit. It’s fine. </p><p>The locker room is a hellscape though. Bokkun is in his face as soon as he’s out of his shower (which was only as short as humanly possible because he’s busy tonight okay?), asking if he wants to go somewhere this weekend- Tokyo maybe?- to meet with Akaashi for some project or something. Atsumu isn’t really paying attention to what he’s saying. He’s too busy thinking about how right now would be the most inopportune time to start having gay thoughts. </p><p>Bokuto would probably be the worst person on the team for Atsumu to come down with the affliction of gay thoughts for. Maybe affliction is a bad term, being gay isn’t a disease, it’s a normal thing that a lot of people are, people who aren’t Atsumu. Because again for the record, Atsumu is not gay. </p><p>Anyways, Bokkun would be the worst person on the team for Atsumu to catch- no- have gay thoughts for. For one, Bokuto has a boyfriend (that doesn’t sound right). Partner? Whatever, Bokuto has Akaashi, and it would be just awful to have gay thoughts about someone who was as committed to their- to Akaashi as Bokuto was. He would have no chance, and as it is (or would be, because it really isn’t), it really seems pointless to have gay thoughts about someone who you had no chance with. Atsumu decides that if he was going to have gay thoughts (because he doesn’t, but if he did) he would want them to happen when he would have a chance with the subject of them. It didn’t matter if Bokkun had the world's biggest smile (if only by virtue of having a bigger head than Shoyou), or could hit any set, or had a way of getting the whole world to look at him. If Atsumu was going to have gay thoughts- which he wasn’t going to have in the first place- they were going to be productive damn it. </p><p>“Tsum-Tsum are you listening to me at all?” A giant hand waved in front of Atsumu’s face.</p><p>“Uh-” Bokuto’s hands hadn’t always been that big had they?</p><p>“You totally weren’t, it’s okay though! You look tired anyway, I can text you the details later!” Bokuto smiled at him. Sometimes Atsumu got nauseous from how sweet Bokuto had a tendency to be.</p><p>“Yeah that sounds good- the Akaashi thing right?” Atsumu waves him off.</p><p>Bokuto laughs at the way his hands flail, going so far as copying his movements. It shouldn’t be as endearing as it is, but it is. </p><p>“The Akaashi thing yeah! Get some sleep tonight okay?” Atsumu knows he won’t, but he nods as Bokuto leaves anyway. </p><p>Bokuto aside, Atsumu has other problems to worry about. Problems like the fact that it is Tuesday, and (for the uninformed), Sakusa comes over on Tuesdays. Problems like the fact that on Tuesdays Sakusa comes over to his apartment, and they hang out and eat dinner. Problems like the fact that it’s Tuesday and Sakusa will be coming over in a little over three hours and he has yet to tidy his apartment up. Problems like the fact that to the untrained eye their standing Tuesday hangout probably looks like a date. Problems like the fact that instead of doing anything about this, he is still just sitting here instead of getting in his car and driving home. </p><p> </p><p>iii.<br/>
Getting up and moving is easier once he realizes that this is Sakusa, who for some stupid reason, Atsumu is desperate to impress. It’s a good thing Sakusa likes dogs because Atsumu finds himself chasing after him like a lost puppy. It’s pretty pathetic, and everyone says as much, but he can’t stop himself from doing everything in his power to get his reaction. It’s not like he’s much different with anyone else anyways, everyone else is just easier than Sakusa. Everyone else speaks to him like normal people, and when they speak they sound like they mean something. Sakusa is just- it's infuriating, or at least it probably should be. </p><p>Atsumu pulls into his parking spot still thinking about the times he's ever actually been able to get any kind of meaningful response from Sakusa outside of a game. They’ve known each other long enough that there’s more than he can count on his hands but each and every one is hard-won, just how he likes them. He thinks of them differently than he does of the reactions he gets from other people, different from his fans, from his opponents, from his friends even. Of course, not to imply that Sakusa isn’t his friend- they’re probably friends. Or at the very least, Atsumu doesn’t outright disgust Sakusa, and really, what more can he ask for? </p><p>Atsumu tidies up his place, not that he has much to clean up- he’s never been a slob and living on his own didn’t suddenly make him one. He just has some unfolded laundry on the couch and he hasn’t run his dishwasher in a few days but it’s not like Sakusa has ever said anything- or would open his dishwasher to check in the first place. The cleaning thing is largely self-imposed, and not specific to Sakusa. All things considered, he’s not actually sure if Sakusa is a neat freak or not. It's been more than a few months since they spent any time at Sakusa’s place, and the last time he was there was for a team event, but he knows not to judge how someone lives based on how they host, even Bokuto’s apartment is spotless when he hosts. </p><p>He doesn’t have any groceries, and is about to text as much to Sakusa when he gets an incoming facetime from him. He picks up, obviously.</p><p>“You don’t have any groceries, right?” He looks like he’s standing in a store aisle.</p><p>“Hello to you too Omi-kun jeez!” Atsumu laughs.</p><p>“Oh- yeah hello, what do you want me to get for dinner? I’m not in the mood to order out tonight.” Succinct, and Atsumu feels like he’s a step behind. </p><p>“Wait- how do you even know I’m out of groceries in the first place? It’s rude to make assumptions like that you know.” The pout is only 30% genuine, 50 tops. </p><p>“It’s not an assumption. You go grocery shopping on Wednesdays every week. It only makes sense you’d be out by Tuesday. I’m at the store anyways, what do you want to eat?”</p><p>“You’re a pretty observant guy, y’know that Omi? I didn’t even realize I always went grocery shopping on Wednesdays until you said it just now y’know.” He’s lying. “How do you feel about breakfast food?”</p><p>The angle of the phone shifts as Sakusa walks, Atsumu has a pretty choice view of the underneath of Sakusa’s masked chin from the right. He very pointedly does not study the strip of skin between his neck and jaw that the mask doesn’t cover. Instead he decides that there’s a basket in the crook of that same elbow by the way he’s being jostled around whenever something is taken off the shelf with those delica- nope not going there, not even for fun.</p><p>“It baffles me that you have such an established routine and you don’t even know it, you know that right?” Something ends up in the basket again. </p><p>“You’ve said as much. Breakfast food?” </p><p>“Am I spending the night?” Sakusa holds the phone up to his face and stares him down.</p><p>“No? I mean- you can if ya wanna, but I assume you’d prefer to sleep in your own bed, I don’t have a guest room. You’d be on the couch? That probably wouldn’t be very good fo-”</p><p>“Oh” If Atsumu were looking for something in his response he might’ve hoped that Sakusa sounded disappointed, but as it is, he’s not, and Sakusa sounds normal, looks normal even. Well- despite the uncharacteristic red that peeks up from the mask on his cheekbones and ears. It’s cold outside, so that makes sense too. </p><p>“Have you never had breakfast for dinner Omi-omi? Please tell me you weren’t so sheltered that you’ve never had breakfast for dinner!” </p><p>“I’ve had breakfast for dinner. It just seems strange to have breakfast for dinner when we both know how to make better food than that. It seems very-” He pauses.</p><p>“Very what?” Atsumu knows he’s digging a hole. Poking the bear.</p><p>Sakusa lowers the phone to reach for something and Atsumu is delegated back to the chin. He’s not disappointed, he’s just not.</p><p>“College? Juvenile? I don’t know it just feels a little like something you make when you don’t know how to make anything else.” </p><p>“I don’t know if I should be offended or flattered here Omi. I’m good with whatever though, we don’t have to have breakfast food if you don’t want to.” </p><p>“You’re no help.”</p><p>“You didn’t ask for help, you called me and said ‘You are out of groceries’ despite not actually knowing if I had groceries or not.” </p><p>“Do you have any groceries,” It wasn’t a question. “Or do you have eggs and protein powder?”</p><p>“For your information I have-” he opens his fridge “week old tomatoes as well.”</p><p>“Week old because?” Sakusa is such an asshole.</p><p>“I do all my shopping on Wednesdays,” He feels like a child sometimes, when they talk. </p><p>“Right, I’m not being mean or anything. I just wanted to save you the hassle of rushing to the store before I got there, I know you do it every week we don’t order out.” Oh. </p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“So if you don’t have any preference I was thin-” Hold on- why does that make his stomach do that. </p><p>“Wait how do you know that in the first place?” How come he feels like his brakes aren't working right- what is so wrong with him that this casual gesture is something that makes him want to fall down and die? There has to be something wrong with his brain. </p><p> </p><p>iv.<br/>
He’s in Tokyo with Bokuto and Akaashi (which was planned) and for some reason that has been explained more than once (not that he remembers what it is), Shoyou. To be more specific, Atsumu is in a bar that Akaashi frequents, and Shoyou just showed up. As in, the three of them are in Tokyo, and just ran into him. Atsumu still can’t wrap his head around it entirely, but he’s here. </p><p>Shoyou had come in with Kozume, but he had left a while ago, and he had picked up the tab on his way out. For all four of them. And he had kissed Shoyou on the cheek on his way out. Shoyou who is currently not doing anything about the fact that he’s being chatted up by like six different people right now, even though Kozume had kissed him. There’s just a lot going on tonight. Atsumu’s not entirely sure if he can handle it. </p><p>He starts to make his way to the booth where the three of them were originally sitting but immediately veers towards the bar when he sees exactly what Bokkun is doing with his hands. He’s ordering another of whatever it was he had. He tries not to down it, but he threw pacing himself out the window a while ago (right about when he saw Shoyou and Kozume walk in). </p><p>Impressively enough, his drink manages to survive the walk all the way to where Shoyou is being surrounded. Atsumu watches him worm his way from between suitors (or something) and over to him, he can see why people are flocking towards him, he looks good tonight- from a completely objective standpoint of course. It’s not even about what he’s wearing, it’s nothing different than what he normally wears. He looks- there's just something different about him tonight. </p><p>“Didja get sick of Akaashi and Bokuto-san yet?” Shoyou drapes an arm around his shoulders, dragging Atsumu down a little. </p><p>“Ah, yeah they got a little handsy for my tastes,” Atsumu is doing his best not to shout in Shoyou’s face. Which, as things are, is very close to Atsumu’s own. It’s not even that loud in the bar, but his ears are ringing anyways. </p><p>“Oh yeah? And what are your tastes then Tsumu-san?” Atsumu doesn’t blush but it’s a close thing. “They’re pretty wholesome, all things considered y’know?” </p><p>Atsumu doesn’t. He doesn’t know. </p><p>“I-” Shoyou laughs. Right in his face.</p><p>“You’re funny, Tsumu-san!” If Atsumu was sober he would not be entertaining this. “You’re still so uptight about that kind of thing still, Omi-san said it’s because all you care about is volleyball, but I think it’s cus you went pro right away!” Shoyou must be drunker than he is. </p><p>“What’s that supposed to mean?” Atsumu pulls away in shock (and a little bit of rage, if he’s being honest). Shoyou follows him, resting both of his arms on his shoulders. </p><p>“Nothing! It’s just that the rest of us went to school and stuff, we have more experience than you do, Tsumu-san.” Shoyous face seems like it couldn’t get closer if he tried. They’re sharing air at this point, it's absurd.</p><p>“What? Neither did Bokkun! How do you-” Two things, one, this is the weirdest flirting Atsumu has ever been on the receiving end of. Two, he’s not blushing. He’s not, the flirting isn’t working, because he’s not gay.</p><p>“Did you know that Omi-san said you’re traditional when I asked him if you and him were sleeping together?” There is a fine line between embarrassing and- nope. Not even going there. Not even going to think about Shoyou riding anything.</p><p>“Why would you ask him that?” He feels so lost right now. There’s absolutely no way he survives the night.</p><p>“You two spend a lot of time together! It’s not like I was the only one thinking it anyways!”</p><p>“That's- We’re friends! Friends spend time together!”</p><p>“Friends haven’t had a crush on you since high school Tsumu-san!” The drag of the first syllable of his name is excruciating.</p><p>“I- Slow down! You didn’t go to college either! What’s your excuse?” Hold on actually- what? What since high school?</p><p>“I lived abroad. Plus Kageyama is the same way as you are still. You both are like that-” </p><p>“Do you have to compare me to Tobio-kun? Is that fair at all?” It’s absolutely not fair- Atsumu is not as uptight as Kageyama.</p><p>“I’m just saying! You and Kageyama didn’t have those experiences! That’s why you guys are so uptight sometimes.” He’s trying to get himself free of Shoyou but between the drinking and Shoyou’s pure determination, nothing works. </p><p>“Okay? What about Bokuto then? Or-” How is he losing an argument right now. He should be in prison for this.</p><p>“Oh that’s easy, Bokuto and Akaashi have been- since forever! And Akaashi went to college!”</p><p>“That doesn’t make any sense at all.”</p><p>“Yes it does, it would if you understood.”</p><p>“How do I understand then?” </p><p>“Dunno! Experience probably, you just gotta get out there! I could help you out- since according to Omi-san,” This is not real. “You’re single.” Shoyou rests their foreheads together</p><p>“I thought you were with Kozume?” He kissed him! Picked up the tab! Sponsors him!</p><p>“This is what I mean- these things are complicated!” Shoyou is so drunk. Atsumu knew it before, but holy shit is Shoyou drunk. “And not really what I meant anyways- I’m so flattered though Tsumu-san.” Atsumu should call him a cab.</p><p>“I wasn’t- I’m not-” Their faces are so close, their noses are touching. “Since high school?” He chokes. He feels like he got hit by a bus.</p><p>Shoyou turns his head to the side and laughs the hardest Atsumu has ever seen him laugh. Atsumu has to hold him up to make sure he doesn’t fall over and die- or vomit, which objectively, is worse. </p><p>Shoyou is laughing. Shoyou is laughing at him. Shoyou is laughing at him and he looks beautiful.</p><p>Wait.</p><p> </p><p>v.<br/>
As much as he loves Akaashi and Bokuto, he’s elated to see them walk out the Onigiri Miya: Tokyo door after lunch. They’re off to do something- he didn’t catch exactly what, but he’s almost positive he’s not wanted back at Akaashi’s place until after dinner (at least). </p><p>“Why did Bokuton even invite ya if all they’re going to do is fuck the whole time anyways? Why didn’t ya just stay with me?” Atsumu would have loved to stay with Samu, after the night he had.</p><p>“We had an interview for some manga thing Akaashi is doing early yesterday morning. I figured you’re busy and don’t want me comin’ back in the middle of the night and wakin’ ya up.” He could have slept in a bed.</p><p>“Probably right actually, I didn’t know you had it in ya to be so considerate. Thanks.” They would have stayed in. </p><p>“Asshole.” He wouldn’t hate looking at his friends. </p><p>“You’re one to talk- practically shoved those two out of the door, didn’t say a thing to either one of em the whole time you ate!” It’s not like Osamu or Akaashi would have let him get a word in edgewise, Bokuto barely even talked- which is saying something.</p><p>“You see if you have it in ya to talk to them after watchin Bokkun put both of his hands down Akaashi’s pants last night.” Osamu reacts perfectly with shock, then disgust, disbelief, and pure joy, it’s brilliant. </p><p>“You’re exaggerat-” He’s gonna do something drastic if Osamu doesn’t believe him.</p><p>“In public.” Osamu’s mouth falls open.</p><p>“Liar.” He might cry.</p><p>“Am not! You can ask Shoyou-kun, he saw it too! Oh my god actually-” Atsumu has so much to talk about- he’s glad he was so busy babysitting last night that he didn’t call Osamu. He’s glad to be able to tell him now.  </p><p>“He’s here with you too? Why didn’t he come to lunch with you?”</p><p>“No he’s not- we ran into him last night while we were out. I think he’s visiting Kozume or something-”</p><p>“Makes sense, I see ‘em in here sometimes on your breaks.”</p><p>“Will you let me finish?”</p><p>“Probably not.” Osamu smiles at him. </p><p>“Whatever, anyways-” Atsumu is mid eye-roll when the door opens and the bell rings. </p><p>“Hold on.” He’s never gonna finish this story is he?</p><p>“Welcome to Onigiri Miya, what can I do ya for?” Atsumu groans and puts his head on the bar in front of him. </p><p>Eventually, Osamu closes for the afternoon and they have enough time to have a real conversation.</p><p>“I can’t believe you survived the night.” Osamu is cruel, so cruel and so sarcastic.</p><p>“Shut up! It was horrible, ya shoulda been there.”</p><p>“Yeah- then you woulda had someone to tell ya that Hinata wasn’t flirting with you.” Asshole. “If you’re gonna be here at least help with prep. It’ll give ya something to do with your hands.” </p><p>“Yeah- okay.” Atsumu starts washing his hands, “He totally was flirting with me- I’m telling ya Samu, everyone on that team has the hots for me!” Osamu shoots him a look from down the counter “Okay everyone except Bokkun.”</p><p>“Isn’t your captain married?” Osamu hands him a pair of gloves.</p><p>“You know what I mean! He said Sakusa had a crush on me! Since high school! And then said he’d ‘show me the ropes’” </p><p>He picks up a knife and Osamu gestures towards a tub of veggies that need cutting. They fall into rhythm almost immediately. It feels almost good to be here. He appreciates why Osamu likes it so much.</p><p>“The ropes of being not so uptight?” Atsumu nods, “Tsumu he was smashed- he was teasin’ ya. You’re so easy to rile up, it didn’t mean anything.”</p><p>“Didn’t feel like it didn’t mean anything- not like that! I just- am I uptight about that kinda thing? Sex or whatever?”</p><p>Osamu shrugs. </p><p>“Sakusa said I was traditional. What does that even mean?”</p><p>“He probably didn’t. The shrimp was just trying to get you worked up Tsumu. Seriously it’s not even a thing.”</p><p>“Why would he even think we were sleeping together? We’re both straight anyways!”</p><p>Osamu snorts, there’s a pause- like he expects Atsumu to laugh along with him. Osamu sets his knife down.</p><p>“You’re serious? You’ve seen his posts about you right? And it’s not like the stuff you post about him is-” Atsumu is in shock. </p><p>“You think I’m gay.” </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“N- No hold on! No.” Atsumu is panicking. He probably shouldn’t be. “You think I’m gay-” He can’t help the steady, frantic crawl of his voice up the octave “-and seein’ Sakusa?” Atsumu has never been more offended in his life. </p><p>“What on-” Osamu pauses, careful. “I’m just saying that it wouldn’t be a strange conclusion to draw based on how ya act around each other.” Atsumu is furious.</p><p>“How?” Osamu turns to face him slowly. He takes the knife out of Atsumu’s hands and sets it on the bar. “Why do people- what about me makes-”</p><p>“Tsumu,” Osamu interrupts, gently. “You’re the only one who he lets touch him.” It’s a voice saved for special occasions, like heartbreaks, when he moved to Osaka, big moments. This is not a big moment. It will not be. It can’t be.</p><p>“We’re friends! How come nobody gets that? Is it so crazy I’d be friends with him?” There is no big moment to be had in the first place. He’s shouting anyways. </p><p>“Tsumu-” He sounds like Atsumu’s heart is supposed to be breaking. And he’s still so fucking gentle, what’s wrong with him?</p><p>“Stop talking to me like that! I’m not-” He doesn’t even know what he isn’t. He doesn’t want to know what Osamu thinks he is to be talking to him like that. </p><p>Osamu doesn’t say anything. He just looks at him, so Atsumu grabs his knife again and starts cutting more vegetables. Osamu doesn’t. </p><p>“What are you looking at me for?” Atsumu snaps. </p><p>“You’re cryin’.” The gentleness isn’t gone- and the concern isn’t either. He doesn’t need people to be concerned for him.</p><p>“Fuck you.” Osamu takes the knife away from him again.</p><p>“I’m not gonna let you cry into my food. This isn’t home- other people eat here.”</p><p>“Whatever, I’m not even crying anyways.” Osamu gives him another look, and hands him a napkin. </p><p>“Whatever you say.” Atsumu scowls at him. “Go sit down and get right.”</p><p>Osamu only starts prepping food again once Atsumu is sitting down across from him. He doesn’t talk either, and Atsumu doesn’t want to be the one to speak first, so they’re quiet for a while. Atsumu tries to collect himself. He goes through a few more napkins, Osamu hands him a new one whenever he needs it. </p><p>He hardly even notices what Osamu is doing until he’s being handed his coat, and shoved up and off his seat. </p><p>“C’mon Tsumu, let's go home.”</p><p>“What? You’re workin tonight aren’t you?” </p><p>“Nah, I texted Matsuda and Hashimura- they can handle it for the night, we really only need two people for dinner anyways, I just like bein’ here.” Osamu nudges him with his shoulder to get him moving, all but pushing him out of the door. The cool air doesn’t do anything but make his cheeks cold where they’re wet. He feels more disoriented by the second.</p><p>“I should text Bokkun- they’re expectin’ me back soon.” He fumbles to get his phone out of his jacket, which he hasn’t put on, even though he’s shivering. There’s really no telling if the jacket would help or not.</p><p>“I texted Akaashi already, told ‘im you’re spendin’ the night at mine.” Osamu locks the doors behind them and pushes Atsumu towards the subway stop, he keeps his hand on his back.</p><p>“Oh.” He doesn’t have it in him to pretend that he doesn’t want that. </p><p>“Also told ‘em that you’re catching a train tomorrow instead of tonight.” Meaning Samu is worried what he’ll do if he’s alone. How sweet.</p><p>“I can’t miss practice.” He doesn’t need Osamu to worry about him like this. Even if he could probably afford to take a personal day. </p><p>“You don’t have practice tomorrow.” They make their way down the stairs into the subway, they could have walked. Osamu only lives one stop away. </p><p>“It’s Monday, -course I have practice.” It’s warmer down here, the air hangs heavier. Atsumu feels heavier.</p><p>“No ya dont. That's why you came here in the first place. ‘s probably why Hinata is here.” He can’t remember the last time he felt this slow. </p><p>“Right. Sorry.” Osamu looks at him like he’s grown a second head.</p><p> </p><p>vi.<br/>
Atsumu is having a harder time ‘getting right’ than he thought he would. He thought that maybe once he gets back to Osamus and eats he’d feel normal again, but Osamu is still so obviously worried about him. Okay, maybe anyone other than Atsumu (or maybe their mom) wouldn’t be able to tell, but Samu let Atsumu pick what they watched after dinner (volleyball), and what games they played after that (Super Smash Bros) without putting up any fight. They sit next to each other quietly. Atsumu, flipping through channels and Osamu, on his phone. </p><p>Atsumu feels wrong in his own skin, this isn’t how they are. This isn’t how they’re supposed to be. There doesn’t need to be any guise of tenderness between them. Atsumu can handle it, Osamu can more than handle it. But there’s nothing he can say, because Osamu thinks this is a thing now. He can’t make whatever this Big Deal Samu thinks this is go away. And it’s not like he can pretend everything is fine. Not that he would be lying- he wouldn’t be, it would just feel disingenuous because clearly Osamu wants him to get over it. </p><p>There’s not even anything to get over in the first place, and Osamu is really shitty at pretending to care about whatever is happening on twitter. </p><p>“D’ja say somthin’?” Atsumu asks. There has to be a way to clear the tension. </p><p>“Hmm? No.” Great. </p><p>They sit in silence again for a while, and there's not really anything Atsumu can do about it, so he doesn’t. For a while he stares at the tv, but that gets boring. Changing the channel doesn’t help any. Shouldn’t someone have informed him that this was some kind of a tragic and momentous occasion or something?</p><p> </p><p>vii.<br/>
“Did you and Rin actually date in high school or didja do that to fuck with me?”</p><p>It’s morning, they’ve both been up for a while, and neither have made any moves to leave their beds, Osamu in the bed and Atsumu in a futon on the floor. They’ve been sitting in silence because Atsumu has yet to answer the unasked ‘you good?’.  </p><p>“How self centered do you have to be to think that we would pretend to date just to fuck with you?” Yeah, he is actually. No- see because Gin told him so many times that they weren’t actually together. That they’d told the whole team that it was just to fuck with Atsumu. That even Kita-san was in on it. But Atsumu had caught them making out and stuff. He’d caught them more than once. </p><p>“I’m serious. It’s been bothering me recently.” Atsumu stares at the ceiling. He doesn’t know if Osamu can feel it too, but he feels like a kid again. Speaking to each other without seeing. </p><p>“I’ll tell ya, but there are conditions.” Osamu says.</p><p>“Yeah sure.” He means it.</p><p>“You can’t freak out like you did last night.” Fair, but it still stings. </p><p>“I didn’t freak out, but whatever.” He can hear Osamu’s eye-roll.</p><p>“Ya can’t do anything petty that would hurt anyone's career.” He’s not that petty. Plus he respects everyone's right to come out- if they so chose- on their own terms. </p><p>“I’m hurt that you think so little of me, Samu.”</p><p>“I’m serious. And ya gotta tell me why.” Fuck.</p><p>“Yeah- yeah whatever. Just tell me.” Fuck fuck fuck. </p><p>“No- you gotta tell me why first.” Osamu says.</p><p>“That's bullshit.” Atsumu is trying his best to keep his volume at a respectable level.</p><p>“No it’s not! You’ve been actin’ freaky all night, I deserve to know why I’ve had to baby you so much.” If Osamu is picking up on how anxious Atsumu is, he’s not showing that he cares. Things are blessedly back to normal.</p><p>“I’d hardly call that babying me.”</p><p>There's something special to their relationship. He doesn’t have to be scared of Osamu doing anything drastic, it's gonna be the same reaction either way. Maybe it’s a twin thing, maybe it’s just because that’s how they are, but Atsumu has never been more grateful for the inescapable clowning he’s in for than he is now. </p><p>“I’m not Ma, but I did my best, having to babysit my twenty three year old older brother and all.” Ma woulda done a better job. He shoulda called her. </p><p>“Six minutes asshole, we’re the same age!”</p><p>“Ah so you admit it, finally.” Osamu laughs. </p><p>“Fuck off.” He throws his arm over his face. </p><p>“Maybe once you tell me why you’re being such a freak.”</p><p>“Yeah yeah- I’m workin’ on it.”</p><p>The longer he sits with explaining himself the stupider he feels. He can’t figure out how he got here in the first place. He feels like he knows how Samu will respond. It should be a simple answer. This is what he’s been heralding as the solution to this for a week now. It has to be. Simple, that is. </p><p>“I-” There’s no good way to start. </p><p>“Finally- I’d thought you’d fallen asleep down there.”</p><p>“You can’t laugh at me okay?” He’s serious, he hopes he sounds it.</p><p>“No promises.” </p><p>“You can’t laugh Samu. Please.” He knows he sounds desperate. He knows it’s pathetic, but it’s not like Osamu doesn’t know that already.</p><p>“Yeah- whatever, no laughing.” He really- desperately- hopes Osamu laughs at him. He deserves it. He needs them to be normal, this stupid thing can’t fuck up what he has with his brother. </p><p>“Shoyou said- like a week ago or something he said that twins are more likely to be gay if the other one is- like 80 or 90% or something. And it got me thinkin-” He rushes to correct himself<br/>
“not that I’m gay, cus I’m not.” Seriously. He’s not. “But I just remembered that you and Sunarin were a thing or something in high school and I just- wanted to know if you were serious or if I made it up or if you were fuckin’ with me about it.” He sounds way more earnest than he wants to. But he’s at least getting an answer now. </p><p>“Thats a stupid reason.” Osamu swings his legs over the side of the bed, he nudges Atsumu’s arm with his foot. He doesn’t laugh. </p><p>“You don’t think I know that?” He removes his arm from his eyes “It’s such a stupid reason, but it’s been messing with my head so I figured I’d ask anyways.” He shrugs. </p><p>“I get it- no, yeah it makes sense. C’mon, get up-” He kicks Atsumu again “I’ll make ya breakfast.” Which isn’t an answer, but Atsumu feels like it means more than one. </p><p> </p><p>viii.<br/>
Atsumu thinks about Osamu and Suna on the train ride home. He thinks about how scared Samu must've been in high school, to be thinking about that stuff then. Atsumu is scared thinking about it now. He wonders if anything would be different if he had been thinking about it then. If there was something that he was purposefully pouring into volleyball to ignore whatever thinking about these things leads to. There’s some small horrible thing that tells him that this is the reason Samu didn’t go pro. He thinks about what thinking about this will lead to. He’s not ready for it to lead to anything. He doesn’t know if that will ever change.</p><p>He thinks about how Osamu had answered him, and hadn’t. How they had never dated but if they had both been okay with what they were, individually, things might have been different. And now they only talk in the old Inarizaki group-chat, and only about volleyball or to catch up. He thinks about how Osamu never said it, but Atsumu could tell that the asshole misses Suna. He thinks about how Osamu is dating someone, or seeing her casually at the very least, but still misses someone. Atsumu has never missed anyone. He’s never exactly been spoiled for choice either, but that has nothing to do with the fact that he’s never missed anyone. </p><p>Atsumu thinks about the times he saw them together. He thinks about how Osamu thanked him. Thanked him for giving him an excuse to do things he wouldn’t be brave enough to do on his own for years. Atsumu thinks he should be offended that his disgust at someone loving his brother was a jumping off point for an epic journey of self discovery, but he’s not. It had to be good for something. </p><p>He thinks about how funny it is that Osamu got so many of his firsts just because Atsumu might walk in on them. He plans to never let him forget that. </p><p>He thinks about how Osamu thought Atsumu would tell anyone. He’s never told anyone any of Samus- well not the important ones anyways. </p><p>He scrolls through instagram to see what Osamu meant about how he and Sakusa posted about each other. It won’t stop bothering him. He scrolls through Shoyou’s instagram and see’s Shoyou loving everyone. He taps through a tagged photo of Bokuto and see’s Akaashi the way Bokkun see’s him. Framed by a halo of light, and his heart swells knowing that they are both so loved. When he finally gets the courage to scroll through Sakusas page, he sees himself. He sees himself through Sakusa’s phone camera, which to be fair is not his eyes, but he still sees himself as a fixture of someone else's life, adored and coveted all the same. He sees himself being lo- he doesn’t manage to look through his own page. He’s not ready to expose himself to his own critical eye just yet. </p><p>He thinks about how much he’s changed since he thought Osamu and Suna were gross for being together. He tries not to think about why he thought they were gross. He thinks about how he wishes he could have been better to him. He thinks about Kita.</p><p>He thinks about Kita? </p><p> </p><p>ix.<br/>
He thinks about Kita’s hands, and his posture. He thinks about how he and Samu and Rin (eventually Gin and Aran too) had kept tallies of who could get Kita to smile more. He thinks about the weeks when he won. How the feeling was not dissimilar to winning the competition of who gets more high fives from Sakusa. Nevermind that he’s the only one who keeps track. </p><p>Kita had pulled Atsumu into a hug when he graduated and told him that he would do good, that he would be a good captain. On the rare nights that Atsumu laid awake being insecure, he would replay Kita telling him he was good. As captain, Atsumu had been obsessed with Kita. He would text him and ask for help almost weekly, and everytime Kita would answer him. He had come to games, and he never missed one that Atsumu asked him to see. Atsumu always felt crazy for thinking that Kita came for him. </p><p>Atsumu had felt like he would die when Kita graduated. Kita had been stoic, kind, and supportive. Kita had done everything right, every time, on purpose. And on top of that, Kita had been fun, he would laugh with the rest of them at stupid things. He would play games with them, and he goofed off at extra practice. Kita loved his teammates- he still does. He was everything that Atsumu wasn’t, and he had been everything to Atsumu. </p><p>So Atsumu thinks about Kita. He thinks for a long time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>pls kudos and comment if you liked it, i will owe you my whole life<br/>talk to me on <a href="https://narutoskinlist.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/narutoskinlist">twitter</a>!<br/>i love u</p></blockquote></div></div>
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